Arsenal 2 - 1 Manure

Arsenal 2 - 1 Manure

Postby Andreys_Does_Simples » Sun Nov 09, 2008 6:37 pm

For the most part I hate early kick off's, I hate them even more after we've lost to Stoke, Black Wednesday and a slightly dissapointing night in the Champions League. What I hate most about early kick off's is the fact that it ain't 3 o'clock. At this point I just want to say Rupert Murdoch's soul will burn in hell for all eternity. On a personal note it was a highly happy week for me but again being up at 9.30 the day after I got married weren't fun but needs must and all that. Pre match I put a nice sum of cash on The Nas to score after a long conversation with my Mrs about the number 8 and how lucky it was in Japan and that she had a dream about Japan.

Before the game Sir Drinksalot was blabbering on about how unsafe The Grove was and basically he bumbled on like a man who had been left down the boozers after his dad/uncle left him there to go sleep with his mum/cousin. Inbred jokes aside I must say I was slightly more worried about this one than Joseph Fritzels daughter's when he returned home from work. OK the inbred jokes are really finished but I really was quite worried.

Missing from the line up was our main strike force of Adebayor and Van Persie, Ade out through injury and The Pers because of sheer stupidity. This meant that Nicky Bendtner was going upfront alone. It really was so scary it felt like it was Halloween again. Anyhow alongside Bendtner in the team everyone loves having a pop at was in goal The Silver Fox Almunia, I do realise his hair is 'peroxxide white' but it does look grey I think. A back four of Sagna, Clichy, Gallas and ex Manure Sylv, Silversate, Seelve....Tweety. Gallas was starting despite having a little strain and Tweety had a broken nose. The midfield like a fantasy porn if I'm being honest about things, Walcott, Fabregas, Denilson, Diaby and my best mate Sammy Nasri. Who cares who Manure had in their side as if shouting abuse at Ronaldo for 90 minutes wasn't good enough they gave us Gary Neville and ex yiddo tosshead Berbatov.


With big games like this usually a cautious and crappy approach is adopted by the away side and makes the game into an complete borefest. This game was different. From kick off the intent of all out attacking football from both sides was there. Passes were sprayed around with both sets of full backs getting involved in the action. Two minutes in I thought our fate for the day was going to be sealed when for reasons that only God and Manuel Almunia know Manuel picked up a Tweety backpass. Luckily for us the indirect free kick came to sweet FA.

Bendtner up front was doing his usual I don't know what to do and left us all with our heads in hands when he didn't bother taking full advantage of the free header he was gifted. A glorious cross was whizzed in from the left by Clichy, Bendtner got himself in the gulf of space between Vidic and Helter Skelter mouth and then header the ball wide. A poor effort to be honest but a sign of Manure's defensive frailties seemed to get the capacity crowd buzzing...well the good red side anyhow. Another chance was squandered when Nasri whipped a ball into Bendtner who missed another golden chance. To be fair was playing his little heart out but just doesn't seem to cut the mustard.

Diaby had a wondrous oppertunity when Van Der Saar feebily punched the ball away. The 'punch' which was mroe like a bitch slap landed at the feet of the United Arab Emirate City's feet, controlling it well Diaby's shot ended up lost in a tangle of legs.

The Arsenal boys were like sharks smelling blood, like a baying mob hounding a witch, like some proper Gooners with two fingers lofted firmly in the air at anyone who dare critisise us we finally took advantage. Fabregas' corner was headed out by the dirty yid Berbatov, the ball found it's way to Samir Nasri and like Harry Potter finding the golden snitch in Quidditch young Sammy found the golden touch and smashed it home. There has been rumblings that it took a deflection but at the end of the day I had a large sum of cash on him at 15's for the first and I got paid! Rumblings also say that it took a deflection of Neville which makes things a teeeeeny bit more sweet. Anyhow more importantly 1-0 up against the northern twats, lovely.

We also had a shout for a penalty when Neville handled in the area, to be fair I didn't think it was a penalty but it's exactly the same as when the ball smacked off Clichy's arm minutes later and Sir Wanksalot to claim it was a clear penalty after the game. Swings and roundabouts.

The first half flew by in a flurry of fabulous football. The second half was soon to kick off.

Pies and pints barely had time to settle before we were up in the air jumping around like Sammy Nasri just put on House of Pain's greatest hits. Some stunning passes were put together by most of the lads in the side young Cesc spun his man and slid in The Nas. Nasri let the ball run across him before his great hit sent Sir Bumsalot into the House of Pain. Welcome to The Grove you t***er! I was hoping that a few of our stewards would have ran up to Sir Arselickeralot and did a few nasty hand gestures to him but Nasri did it for them. The shot was unstoppable, he caught it more sweetly than a fireman catching a baby from a burning building - that is just how sweet it was. What a move, what a hit, what a finish and what a bloody game because it was game over after that...

Being Arsenal though and memories of Black Wednesday still in the mind we weren't going to relax until Sir Talksshitalot's Mrs had sung. To be fair to her I don't have a clue if she's fat but let's pretend she is for the purpose of this report, cheers.
Manure were creating chances and trying to haul themselves back into the game but not this time. Around the 78th minute Almunia had to be taken off after receving an accidental knee in the head from Carrick. Fabianski came on and with the Poland national coach saying earlier in the week he was joint number one with Boruc had a point to prove.

Manure then got their goal and to be fair it was some hit not just for the fact it was a left footed volley by their right back but the fact that Rafael could actually see out that crap barnet of his. If you had already went to go get pissed and missed this goal I suggest you youtube it because it was nice. The culry haired ones goal was just consolation for the northern scummers.

The game ended after 6 minutes of injury time most of which was for the Almunia's head but we managed to hold on to our lead in extra time. Rockin! After the final whistle Wenger was cautiour not to carry on and various freaks in the press claimed Manure were tired. Yes that 45 minute flight to Glasgow and the 18 hour time difference will do that to you. Seems some people forget we're also in the Champions League. Underdog status is always my favourite tag to have.

Confidence is up as is our tails and maybe something else after the sexual performance of Nasri but I'll let my Mrs deal with the last one. Hopefully this is the season turning result for us to go on to bigger and better things, like a Champions League final...I do like it when dreams come true.
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Re: Arsenal 2 - 1 Manure

Postby Git » Sun Nov 09, 2008 7:10 pm

Quality report mate.
MML
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Re: Arsenal 2 - 1 Manure

Postby SE13 » Sun Nov 09, 2008 7:10 pm

Well, that confirms that I never have to write another report!

Superb!
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Re: Arsenal 2 - 1 Manure

Postby singaporegooner » Mon Nov 10, 2008 4:23 am

Great stuff ADS
:)
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Re: Arsenal 2 - 1 Manure

Postby drama » Mon Nov 10, 2008 8:23 am

Top read... :clap:
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Re: Arsenal 2 - 1 Manure

Postby ayN » Mon Nov 10, 2008 10:52 am

Amajing Report ADS.
Wenger please go away
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Re: Arsenal 2 - 1 Manure

Postby gzagee » Mon Nov 10, 2008 2:18 pm

Funny, well funny! Had me in stitches. Wonderful gags. Great report.
Try stand-up in your spare time, dude.
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Re: Arsenal 2 - 1 Manure

Postby Reverend Gooner » Mon Nov 10, 2008 8:15 pm

Top stuff mate :)
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Re: Arsenal 2 - 1 Manure

Postby Cheese » Tue Nov 11, 2008 9:47 am

Best report i've read this season....From anywhere!
“What a great day for football, all we need is some green grass and a ball.”
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Re: Arsenal 2 - 1 Manure

Postby She_Gunner_Wales » Tue Nov 11, 2008 7:10 pm

Brilliant read Alex, very witty too. :clap:
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Re: Arsenal 2 - 1 Manure

Postby Andreys_Does_Simples » Tue Nov 11, 2008 10:53 pm

Cheers homies!
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