rvtheace 1st challenge

[Fordy]

There once was a cow in a field chewing grass in a pasture not far from Manchester. Nearby, a farmer, and the owner of the cow, watched his prized possession feed herself. The idyllic scene was shattered by a racket thrown up by a vehicle speeding down the nearby highway. The vehicle was an obscenely expensive sports car from Italy. Its owner was Wayne Rooney, Manchester United star, on his way to London for a match against the mighty Arsenal. Rooney’s taste in foreign exotics was not really limited to cars though… in the seat beside him was C Ronaldo, seat-belt off, head down, busy giving some action to the Scouser.

Rooney became a bit so engrossed in the activity below the wheel that he missed a curve, ran off the road, and headed straight towards a tree. With a wild swerve, he avoided a collision, but ran straight over the unfortunate farmer, before crashing into the poor cow. The impact rattled the car a bit, but its passengers were not hurt. The farmer and cow however, was not so lucky. When Rooney and Ronaldo got out to investigate the damage, they discovered that both the farmer and cow had passed on to the greener grasses of the afterlife.

They realised that even if they made a quick getaway, there would be an investigation, which might eventually end up indicting them. So they decided to make the deaths look more natural, to ensure that there would not be a murder investigation

Getting the cow out of the equation was easy, they just dragged it to a barn near the farmer’s house, and dumped it there, along with a bloodied hammer to make it look like nothing more than a brutal slaughter. The more aspersions they cast on the farmer, the better!

The farmer himself was a trickier case. Ronaldo came up with a ‘great’ idea. He took off his thong and tied it around the farmer’s neck. Then, he stretched the rubber thong to its fullest length, and let the farmer hang from the tree on the field. As a finishing touch, he used jelly to scrawl a ‘suicide note’ on the farmer’s body:
“Good bye cruel world, my boyfriend has dumped me, so I am killing myself using the same thong that he used to seduce me.”

Confident that their plan would work, Rooney and Ronaldo zoomed away from the area. The next day’s papers revealed that their plan had not quite worked:

“MANCHESTER, Friday: Footballers Wayne Rooney and Christiano Ronaldo were charged with the murder and rape of an innocent farmer. The evidence that police used to identify their suspects was a rubber thong with which the farmer hung himself. On the inside of the thong, the text: ‘To Christiano Ronaldo, love, WILL’. Wayne Rooney is also under investigation, as the name ‘WILL’ has been partially scratched out, and ‘Wayne’ written in place with a juvenile handwriting.

In other news, Sir Alex Ferguson was overheard complaining about a missing jar of lubricant jelly…”

[She_Gunner_Wales]

Hilarious!

[rvtheace]

Thanks.

Luckily, I am not responsible for writing the longest story this time.

Are we going to take an average? Then I won't bother voting for myself.