Re: Ever shit yourself before?
Posted: Mon Dec 14, 2015 2:46 amWitness story from reddit
BoatsandBeaches wrote:
It was the summer of '96 and i remember it like it was yesterday. I was a football player in high school but my closest buddies were all soccer players. It was a beautiful sunny day at the Jersey shore and my friends and I were playing a pick up game of soccer. 7 on 7. I'm playing goalie because, shit, I'm a football player and I'm not running around a scorching hot field trying to kick a ball around.
The game going along at a good pace and we decide to take a break. A 5 minute half time. My buddy, we'll call him Matt, says to me, "let's go get something to eat at the pizza joint across the street". I agree and we walk over with a half dozen guys to grab a bite. Now we're all trying to hurry up so were grabbing pre-made slices or something already made. Matt decides to order a cheesesteak because that's the type of guy he is. But before the cheesesteak is ready he eats 2 slices of pizza. We're about to leave and Matt's cheesesteak is ready and he proceed to eat the entire thing in about 3 bites. Probably finished it in under a minute. A pretty impressive feat.
So just for the record, my buddy has eaten 2 slices of greasy pizza and an even greasier cheesesteak in probably about 6 minutes and returns to running around a soccer field in 92 degree heat.
After about 10 minutes of second half soccer my buddy starts yelling for me to head to the car. "We're leaving, let's go!" So I jog to the car and get in and I ask him why we just left in the middle of the game. He replies " I gotta go home and take a shit". I'm thinking to myself great we gotta drive the 20 minutes home so this asshole can drop a deuce. Now he's the type of guy that will do everything in his power NOT to take a shit in public. Including driving 20 minutes home while passing like 28 perfectly acceptable places to pinch a loaf. He's a textbook CPABH. Can't poop anywhere but home.
So were headed home in the car and he starts showing visible signs of shit stress. The classic pain and worry face, you guys know what I'm talking about. 10 minutes into the ride he is now in serious distress and I'm starting to think he's not going to make it. He got to the point that he started punching himself in the leg because adrenaline can dissipate the feeling that your going to shit all over the car that you're currently driving. After that he settles down for the rest of the trip and I'm feeling relieved that I'm not going to be in the car and witness a grown man shit his pants for no good reason.
Now anyone who's been in this position is aware that your asshole knows when you get home. You relax just a bit as you pull in the driveway thinking, "I made it, whew". And then you race to the bathroom before shitting yourself. This was my buddy's downfall. As we pull down his street he starts getting visibly distressed again. We pull into the driveway and I'm expecting him to jump out of the car and run inside but he doesn't. He sits there for a second and then I realize he is trying to use every ounce of his willpower not to shit his pants. I jump out of the car because I'm not sitting around to watch this train wreck up close. He finally musters enough guts to get out of the car and attempt to waddle inside with clenched butt cheeks. He takes about 4 steps up the driveway and then he just bends over at the waist and says "oh no".
What follows next is the funniest real life scenario I've ever seen. Matt begins shitting his pants right there in the driveway. The shit is running down both of his legs and making 2 majestic piles at his ankles. it's now covering his shin guards and cleats. I, predictable am laughing hysterically because who wouldn't at this point. I also begin to notice his neighbor from across the street stop doing yard work and start taking notice of the situation going on right here. My buddy now is almost in tears and he has no idea what to do. Well the next thing we know his garage door starts opening and there is Matt's dad standing there looking in abject horror, witnessing his grown son take a dump in the driveway. "Jesus Christ Matt! What the hell are you doing." Matt finally decides to run around back to what I'm going to guess is strip naked and hose off. I'm left watching his dad wash the shit off the driveway that his 20 year old son just produced and make small talk to his neighbor.
