Ever shit yourself before?

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Re: Ever shit yourself before?

Postby UFGN » Thu May 16, 2024 7:16 pm

Just unleashed a brutal fart at my local tube station. The sort that would send you home in a hurry if there was any moisture involved.

Luckily it was dry, but a bloke who was standing near enough to hear turned and stared at me accusingly.

I stood my ground and impassively returned the eye contact, neutral expression, owning the situation like a man but without a hint of apology.

That's how you handle business.
Corinthians 15:57; But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus

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Re: Ever shit yourself before?

Postby VCC » Thu May 16, 2024 7:51 pm

UFGN wrote:Just unleashed a brutal fart at my local tube station. The sort that would send you home in a hurry if there was any moisture involved.

Luckily it was dry, but a bloke who was standing near enough to hear turned and stared at me accusingly.

I stood my ground and impassively returned the eye contact, neutral expression, owning the situation like a man but without a hint of apology.

That's how you handle business.

And if it were wet ?
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Re: Ever shit yourself before?

Postby UFGN » Thu May 16, 2024 7:55 pm

VCC wrote:
UFGN wrote:Just unleashed a brutal fart at my local tube station. The sort that would send you home in a hurry if there was any moisture involved.

Luckily it was dry, but a bloke who was standing near enough to hear turned and stared at me accusingly.

I stood my ground and impassively returned the eye contact, neutral expression, owning the situation like a man but without a hint of apology.

That's how you handle business.

And if it were wet ?


Sometimes you just have to do a risk assessment and trust your Spidey senses
Corinthians 15:57; But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus

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Re: Ever shit yourself before?

Postby VCC » Thu May 16, 2024 7:57 pm

UFGN wrote:
VCC wrote:
UFGN wrote:Just unleashed a brutal fart at my local tube station. The sort that would send you home in a hurry if there was any moisture involved.

Luckily it was dry, but a bloke who was standing near enough to hear turned and stared at me accusingly.

I stood my ground and impassively returned the eye contact, neutral expression, owning the situation like a man but without a hint of apology.

That's how you handle business.

And if it were wet ?


Sometimes you just have to do a risk assessment and trust your Spidey senses

Right ! Lol
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Re: Ever shit yourself before?

Postby GunnGunn » Fri May 17, 2024 8:27 pm

GunnGunn wrote:Looks like its time to share my tale...seeing as it happened in the last 24 hours. Get in from work yesterday, its about 9, feeling good, about to skin up and make dinner.

Belly starts going, mistake it for rumbling at first as i had not eaten all day, then it starts getting worse. Thinking "Hang about, something isn't right here".

Get on the bog and its a bit runny, but still with some consistency, like a really thick McDonalds Milkshake. So i hop off and go about my business but the stomach starts cramping. Back on again and more of the same.

Then i think, "f**k this, i'll down some water and throw up" so i do, one projectile later (Through the nose as well) i am feeling good, skin up, have some dinner and i get off to bed...

I wake up at precisely 3.54am...i am on my side as i always sleep, i feel good, realise the TV is still on as i forgot to set the timer, so i move, still half asleep...

Thats when i notice that something isn't quite right again, although i can't pinpoint it...

Then it hits me, the hand wanders over the covers and pulls them off, auto pilot engaged now as my hand moves around slowly towards my derierre, a solitary finger (The middle one) probes around, and i go white, as to my horror i feel an oozy wetness.

I probe further, and thats when i realise, shamefully, that i had shit the f***ing bed.

It was like that famous scene from the Godfather, with the Horses head, only with a mound of watery shite.

I "John Wayne" it to the bathroom, fling the boxers off and attempt to "clean up". It looked like a massacre when i had finished, baring in mind that i was still half asleep.

After annihilating the toilet again, i jumped in the shower quickly to restore some pride. Dry off, grab some fresh boxers and i am feeling alright.

Then i stroll back into the bedroom (Luckily nobody was over last night) and my face drops, when i see my white cotton sheet, with a solitary shit filled polkadot on it.

Sheet comes off, in a bag with the boxers and gone. I then try to clean the mattress as best i can (Luckily getting a new bed soon) flip it and get back into bed.

Luckily i managed to contain the squits but i feel awful now. No doubt its food poisoning.

But yeah...fun times.

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Bringing this golden oldie back.

Unfortunately a decade later I still haven’t topped this, but I have come close.

I got caught short at work a few times, first time I arrived early so couldn’t access the site, literally had to shit in a bucket in the back of my van. On a hot day. Let’s just say the smell was questionable.

Probably a better one was when I was working at Northwick Park Hospital. I was turtling badly and thought I had made it to toilet. Sadly it had spread like warm Nutella and my boxers were totally soiled, the shame of it.

So I took them off. Undid the hatch for the paperwork behind the toilet and lobbed them there.

They’re probably still there.


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Re: Ever shit yourself before?

Postby VCC » Fri Jun 14, 2024 9:04 am

NEAR MISS!!!!!!
Mrs Vcc has been feeding me Kiwi fruit for pudding 3 nights on end, we'll today I went to work and only just made it to the toilet of which I f***ing destroyed
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Re: Ever shit yourself before?

Postby MathyGooner » Fri Jun 14, 2024 10:45 am

I can't believe an entire 18 page thread exists on this topic :rofll:
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Re: Ever shit yourself before?

Postby UFGN » Fri Jun 14, 2024 1:45 pm

MathyGooner wrote:I can't believe an entire 18 page thread exists on this topic :rofll:


Well believe it. It's also one of the best threads on the entire forum.
Corinthians 15:57; But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus

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Re: Ever shit yourself before?

Postby UFGN » Fri Jun 14, 2024 1:48 pm

VCC wrote:NEAR MISS!!!!!!
Mrs Vcc has been feeding me Kiwi fruit for pudding 3 nights on end, we'll today I went to work and only just made it to the toilet of which I f***ing destroyed


Yeah I ate a whole punnet of strawberries for lunch at work once. Never doing that again. That was a very torrid and tense afternoon with absolutely no farts trusted.
Corinthians 15:57; But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus

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