Politically Incorrect ...
I was devastated to learn that my wife was having an affair , but by turning to religion , I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing . I converted to Islam and we're stoning her in the morning .
My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers , so I did . She's 21 and her name's Lucy .
Went to the pub last night with my girlfriend . The locals were shouting " paedophile " and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50 . It completely ruined our tenth anniversary .
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand job . I said " Son , that's three schools this year . You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether " .
Question .. Are there too many immigrants in England ? 17% said yes , 11% said no , and 72% said " Please I am not understanding question sir " .
The cost of living has gotten so bad now that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries .
A man calls 999 and says " I think my wife is dead " . The dispatcher asks " You think your wife is dead ? How do you know ? "
" Well " says the man " The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up "
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die , you get reincarnated , but you must come back as a different creature . She said " I'll come back as a cow " I said " You obviously haven't been listening "
My wife has been missing for over a week now . Police said that I should prepare for the worst . So I had to go back to Oxfam and buy her clothes back .
Apple have shelved plans for a child friendly iPod after being advised that iTouchKids is not a good product name .
There's a new Muslim clothing store just opened up in town , but they threw me out after I asked to look at some of their bomber jackets .
The Red Cross just knocked on our door and asked if we could contribute towards the Pakistan floods . I said we'd love to , but our garden hose only reaches the end of the drive .