The random joke thread

[Bergkamp64]

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

" My wife is so ugly , when she walks into the kitchen the mice throw themselves on the traps " ... Les Dawson .
" I wouldn't say his wife is fat , but when she walks across the living room , she gets carpet burns on her arse " .. Joan Rivers .

[Bergkamp64]

A married couple have been out shopping at The Mall for most of the afternoon , when suddenly the wife realises that hubby has disappeared .
The somewhat irate spouse calls her mans mobile , demanding " Where are you " ?
Husband ... " Hello my love , do you remember that jewelery shop where you saw that diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have the money , but promised that one day it'll be yours darling " ?
Wife ... " Oh sweetheart , yes , yes I do remember "

Husband .... " Well , I'm in the pub next to that shop " .

[TRA Dial Square]

A married couple have been out shopping at The Mall for most of the afternoon , when suddenly the wife realises that hubby has disappeared .
The somewhat irate spouse calls her mans mobile , demanding " Where are you " ?
Husband ... " Hello my love , do you remember that jewelery shop where you saw that diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have the money , but promised that one day it'll be yours darling " ?
Wife ... " Oh sweetheart , yes , yes I do remember "

Husband .... " Well , I'm in the pub next to that shop " .

[SE13]

This guy was sitting on a plane in first class and noticed this pretty blonde sitting by herself across the aisle. She was very good looking, and was dressed to show off her shape, with a tight knit sweater and short skirt.

The guy is reading a magazine and he hears a dainty sneeze. He looks over and says, “Bless you.” She says thanks and then takes a tissue out of her purse. 15 minutes goes by and he hears her sneeze again, and he says, “Bless you ” again. This goes on for a while and she sneezes every 10 or 15 minutes.

After this happens 5 or 6 times, he looks at her and before he gets a chance to say anything, she takes out a tissue, lifts up her skirt and wipes her “privates”. She catches him staring at her and she blushes a bit. She tells him she is sorry and is a bit embarrassed about the situation, but every time she sneezes, she has an orgasm.

He is amazed at this medical condition he has never heard of, and asks her if she is taking anything for it. “Oh yes”, she says with a smile, “a little black pepper!”

[Bergkamp64]

Bloke goes into a pub , with a Cat under one arm , and a Flamingo under the other .
He walks up to the bar and says " I'll have a pint of lager .
He looks at the Flamingo , who says " Yeah I'll have a pint of lager too " .
The Cat says " I'll have a double Vodka , but I'm a bit short right now " .
They go sit down ....
Half an hour later , the bloke returns to the bar .
" Pint of lager please "
Flamingo " Yeah I'll have a pint too "
Cat " I'll have another Vodka , only I can't pay for it " .
On the third visit , the Landlord says " Excuse me mate , none of my business I know , but where did you find those two " ?
The bloke says " Oh , I went for a holiday in Ireland , and I met a Leprechaun , who gave me a wish . So I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy .

[SE13]

I grew up in Lewisham in the 1970s.
If you want to know what Lewisham was like in the 1970s? .........Go there now

[Massa]

Reformed Parrot

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a mean attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. He yelled back.
I shook him and he got even angrier and ruder.
So, and in desperation, I grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year To You All

[ThereIsBearCum]

Reformed Parrot

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a mean attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. He yelled back.
I shook him and he got even angrier and ruder.
So, and in desperation, I grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year To You All

could have sworn that was heading towards a John Terry joke

[ThereIsBearCum]

The new limited edition Darren Gibson FIFA controller:

[Git]

[TheLittleMozart]

Funny because its true.

[Dejan]

make one for denilson with X and < >

[ChVint22]

make one for denilson with X and < >

An X, and point the left stick sideways.

[Inchpractice]

I got a letter back from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency.

[SE13]

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and f***ked it,
and called it a ****.